A sober(ing) Thanksgiving
The universe is sending messages. It's time to finally listen.
I’m writing this alone in my living room, stone-cold sober on Thanksgiving for the first time since… I honestly couldn’t tell you. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up hangover-free on Black Friday for the first time since… same. This isn’t by choice, but perhaps it finally should be.
It’s been a weird couple weeks. Those who listen to the show, I had the briefest of cancer scares last week. Everything is fine. I only briefly thought I might have it because of the limitations of what doctors can say in voicemail. Turns out, it’s a completely different thing that is nowhere near as serious, but is probably happening because of years of drinking.
I’ve also been dealing with gout the last five or six years, another end result from that habit. I’ve made progress in managing both this stupid affliction and my stupid habit, but clearly, not enough.
A couple days ago, Myles came down with a stomach bug that kept him up all night. Right before he went to bed I was kissing and hugging on him, so I knew it was just a matter of time before I dealt with that same bug. Seeing your kids get sick is the worst, a., because your heart breaks for them. Throwing up has to be so confusing to them. Then, b., because you just know, at some point, it’s coming.
A day went by and I thought maybe just maybe I’d miraculously avoided it. The whole family was fine and maybe it was just something Myles ate.
Nope. Last night, Avery caught that damn bug. A couple hours later, so did I.
All day today as I was recovering from a brutal night, I kept thinking to myself, dang, how many Thanksgivings did I wake up feeling like this by choice?
As I sat there in my own thoughts and feelings, I observed Avery, who bounced back from that bug significantly better than I did, see that Jen wasn’t feeling too hot and I obviously wasn’t any better. What does she do? She plays with Myles all day and allows her parents the day of recovery we both desperately needed.
Kids are the best parts of us and, depending on how you act around them, they just might be able to leave our worst parts behind with us. Avery is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. She is proof I can be a lot better. She’s half me, after all.
(Myles… well, let’s just focus on Avery)
(I’m kidding. He’s hilarious)
When Avery was younger, and my drinking was out of control, she would often see me nursing hangovers on days I had no business nursing hangovers. I don’t think she’ll remember that part of her life but it’s also horrifying I have to hope that’s the case.1
Today was weird because on one hand, I was so damn proud of Avery as she helped us in her own ways but also kept wondering if she was prepared for today by those years of taking care of herself while daddy was controlled by his addiction?
Keep the best parts; leave the worst.
Usually, today would feature family, food, football and wine. Lots and lots of wine. This time, basically none of that was the case. Obviously not purposefully, we kept the most important parts of this holiday (family), and left the frills. Turns out, that’s exactly what we needed.
Does this mean I’ll go completely sober? I honestly don’t know. I probably should. The fact I’m even debating this with myself is probably proof it’s time to genuinely try. What I do know is I want as many days like today as I can get.
To be clear, it was never dangerous and I was always there for her as a caring father, but I also wasn’t who I needed to be.